Profile Essay (2nd Draft)

Family Before Career

Have you ever had a dream strong enough that you would leave your paying career in order to follow it?

Bernadette DeTerra may seem like your typical house wife. She cooks, cleans, and takes care of her family. In her spare time, she enjoys watching game shows, reading, and doing word search puzzles. But she has one unique characteristic; she left her career as a registered nurse to home school her son.

Bernadette is beautiful with her warm smile and green eyes that look directly at the person she is speaking or listening to. She gives her full, undivided attention. She is kindhearted and intelligent. These traits help make her a wonderful mother and a caring teacher.

Bernadette pursued a career in nursing in her twenties. “I was a newly, surprised single mother,” she says. “I had a background in nursing, and knew I could make a living to support myself and my child.” She would have liked to home school her daughter, but under the circumstances, she decided to enroll her in private school. “I would have had to get permission from her father, and he would have never allowed it,” she says.

Bernadette worked as a nurse for years. She was a nurse when she remarried, when her son was born, and even as she began home schooling her son. At first, she was able to home school during the day, and work in the evenings. She was a visiting nurse, so she would travel to her patients' homes, while her children stayed with her parents. She liked her patients, but the paper work became too overwhelming while home schooling. Her supervisor was also unsympathetic to her home schooling obligations. “They would call meetings in the middle of the day, and it would interfere with schooling,” she says. Her supervisor, also, did not understand the legality of home schooling. “They did not understand that home schooling is a legal process. I had to send in a letter of intent to the superintendent explaining my planned curriculum. If I did not follow this, a truancy officer could come to my door and arrest me,” she explains.

When nursing became too overwhelming, her and her husband decided that she would stay home and focus on their son's education. “I have always felt as though family is more important than career,” she says. Fortunately, her husband is able to provide for the family. It was difficult adapting to one income at first, but they were able to establish a budget that worked. “Since I wasn't traveling as far, there was less gas. Some of the expenses balanced out,” she says.

Home schooling has exceeded her expectations. Her son is advanced for his age. He is learning Latin, history, science, English, and math. He is advanced in some of his subjects (he is in fourth grade and taking sixth grade math). He is able to move at a faster or slower pace depending on his needs. Bernadette likes that she is able to give her son a hands-on learning experience. “I am fortunate to live in Massachusetts where we can go to Plymouth Plantation to study the Pilgrims, or the Boston Museum of Science, just to name a few places” she says. She is a great teacher according to her son. “I feel like I’m getting a better education than I would at school. Mom makes sure I understand everything before we move on” he says.

Although she loves home schooling, she sometimes misses nursing. “I miss my guys,” she says sadly. “I was a psychiatric nurse, so I was the one who gave them their medication and who they would tell everything to. They trusted me. It was hard leaving them.” She also misses the feedback that she received from her patients. “My patients would always tell me I was doing a good job, now I get sighs and rolling of the eyes,” she laughs. She finds her feedback in another way, though. “The feedback that makes it worthwhile is seeing the lights go off in his eyes like, “Oh! I get it!”

Home schooling has been a dream come true for Bernadette. She loves that she is able to give her son the best education she can give him. She plans on home schooling him until he reaches college, when he will attend a university. She is unsure of what the future will bring for her after home schooling.  When asked if she would ever return to nursing she responded, “I might. I'm keeping up my license.” She says if she does return to work later in life, she may pursue teaching.

Post-write: I like the profile. I think it gives a good impression of Bernadette. I added to the conclusion, and I added a quote from Bernadette's son. It is a little longer than 700 words, though, and the peer review recommends more detail. The peer review suggests that I explain her passion for homeschooling, but I'm not sure how to work that into the profile. Is the quote from her son strong enough? Does the conclusion leave a strong enough impression of Bernadette?

Profile

Profile

     Have you ever had a dream strong enough that you would leave your paying career in order to follow it?

     Bernadette DeTerra may seem like your typical house wife. She cooks, cleans, and takes care of her family. In her spare time, she enjoys watching game shows, reading, and doing word search puzzles. But she has one unique characteristic; she left her career as a registered nurse to home school her son.

     Bernadette is beautiful with her warm smile and green eyes that look directly at the person she is speaking or listening to. She gives her full, undivided attention. She is kindhearted and intelligent. These traits help make her a wonderful mother and a caring teacher.

     Bernadette pursued a career in nursing in her twenties. “I was a newly, surprised single mother,” she says. “I had a background in nursing, and knew I could make a living to support myself and my child.” She would have liked to home school her daughter, but under the circumstances, she decided to enroll her in private school. “I would have had to get permission from her father, and he would have never allowed it,” she says.

     Bernadette worked as a nurse for years. She was a nurse when she remarried, when her son was born, and even as she began home schooling her son. At first, she was able to home school during the day, and work in the evenings. She was a visiting nurse, so she would travel to her patients' homes, while her children stayed with her parents. She liked her patients, but the paper work became too overwhelming while home schooling. Her supervisor was also unsympathetic to her home schooling obligations. “They would call meetings in the middle of the day, and it would interfere with schooling,” she says. Her supervisor, also, did not understand the legality of home schooling. “They did not understand that home schooling is a legal process. I had to send in a letter of intent to the superintendent explaining my planned curriculum. If I did not follow this, a truancy officer could come to my door and arrest me,” she explains.

     When nursing became too overwhelming, her and her husband decided that she would stay home and focus on their son's education. “I have always felt as though family is more important than career,” she says. Fortunately her husband is able to provide for the family. It was difficult adapting to one income at first, but they were able to establish a budget that worked. “Since I wasn't traveling as far, there was less gas. Some of the expenses balanced out,” she says.

      Home schooling has exceeded her expectations. Her son is advanced for his age. He is learning Latin, history, science, English, and math. He is advanced in some of his subjects ( he is in fourth grade and taking sixth grade math). He is able to move at a faster or slower pace depending on his needs. Bernadette likes that she is able to give her son a hands-on learning experience. “I am fortunate to live in Massachusetts where we can go to Plymouth Plantation to study the Pilgrims, or the Boston Museum of Science, just to name a few places” she says.

     Although she loves home schooling, she sometimes misses nursing. “I miss my guys,” she says sadly. “I was a psychiatric nurse, so I was the one who gave them their medication and who they would tell everything to. They trusted me. It was hard leaving them.” She also misses the feedback that she received from her patients. “ My patients would always tell me I was doing a good job, now I get sighs and rolling of the eyes,” she laughs. She finds her feedback in another way, though. “The feedback that makes it worthwhile is seeing the lights go off in his eyes like, “Oh! I get it!”

     When asked if she would ever return to nursing she responds, “I might. I'm keeping up my license.” She says if she does return to work later in life, she may pursue teaching.

Post write: I feel as though I told the story accurately. I don't know if I added enough detail when talking about homeschooling in paragraph eight. I may need to add more information to the conclusion, also. Adding quotes from her husband and son would give a wider perspective of the subject. Was starting the profile with a question a good idea? Is the story told in an organized way? If not, could you give me some suggestions as to how it would flow more smoothly?

Application Essay (Second Draft)

University of Chicago: If you could balance on a tightrope, over what landscape would you walk?

My heart is pounding in my chest. Sweat is beading up on my forehead. The only thing separating me from the world beneath me is the tightrope I am balancing on...

I am terrified to look anywhere except straight ahead, but my curiosity gets the better of me and I steal a glance down. When I do, my heart stops for a moment. I knew I was suspended over the Grand Canyon, but I had underestimated how deep it is. I am not afraid of heights, but the mile long drop makes my legs tremble slightly. Still, the view is breathtaking. I have always wanted to visit this national park. I had never imagined seeing it while walking a tightrope, but I love the birds-eye view. I can see the canyon in its entirety from this angle.

Only when the rope begins to sway do I remember I must keep moving forward. I take every step tentatively knowing what lies beneath me. Balancing on a tightrope is difficult in and of itself, never mind while suspended over the Grand Canyon, but I like a challenge. I take a deep breath and push myself forward. At first, I take small, nervous steps, but after a while, a surge of confidence runs through me and I start to move at a steadier pace. I remember not to let myself get too confident, though, because that could just as well end in disaster.

As I reach the finish line, I am able to breathe a little easier. When I reach the end of the rope, I step onto the ledge and turn around to face my accomplishment. A feeling of pride runs through me as I listen to the echoes of my friends and family on the other side of the canyon cheering for me. I had not heard them while on the tightrope. All I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears. Now that all of my senses are working again, I try to take in every detail of the canyon, from the jagged edges of the walls, to the rivers below, and to the different shades of color all around the canyon. It is truly awe inspiring.

Many challenges in life are comparable to this tightrope walking experience. Starting something new can be overwhelming. When I started high school, I did not know what to expect. I did not always get top notch grades, and I struggled, but I did not let that discourage me. Once I found the studying skills that worked best for me and how to manage my time, the work became easier to handle. When graduation day came, and I walked across the field to receive my diploma, I had a sense of pride like nothing I had ever felt before. Now, I hope to accomplish a college degree in computer science. It will be challenging, but once I get through it, the rewards will be worth the struggle.

Post-write: I feel as though the paper answers the question fully and creatively. I think I made the story interesting by telling it like I was actually there. I may need to edit the paper slightly by adding more details to the third paragraph about the appearance of the Grand Canyon and how I feel. Also, I may need to add to the conclusion. I am not sure I ended the paper well. Was comparing the tightrope walking experience to my high school experience a good way to end the paper? Did I make good use of sensory details throughout the paper? Should I add more?

Application Essay Post Write

Application Essay Post-Write

1)How do you feel about the paper so far? Please explain and offer evidence from the work.

I feel like it is a good foundation for the second draft. I like the intro sentence because I think it grabs the reader's attention, and would make them want to read more. I also like the sensory details that I added to the paper.

2)What remains to be done? Please be precise.

I need to add more detail about the canyon in the second paragraph and in the fourth paragraph. I might be able to add more sensory details in order to make the paper more interesting. I also need to add a conclusion paragraph. I am not sure how to start the conclusion paragraph, though. I am unsure of what to add.

3)What questions do you have for readers about the piece?

• Do you have any suggestions about what I should add as a conclusion?
• Should I emphasize more on anything in the paper? If so, in what parts?