Be Your Own Person
Have you ever wanted to fit in so badly you lose sight of who you really are? I have. Fitting in was once the most important thing to me. I always wanted to shop at the same stores, wear the same clothes, and act the same way as everyone else. I wanted to be included in what I thought was the “popular” group. I thought the only way for people to like me was to blend in with the crowd.
Throughout middle school, I spent so much of my time worrying about what other people thought of me, that I wasn’t letting people see who I really was. I wasn’t being honest with myself either. I was trying to convince myself that I was something I was not.
At first, high school wasn’t much different. I would find the people who I thought were popular and conform to their lifestyle. I would feel uncomfortable because I kept thinking, “This isn’t me.” I stayed silent most of the time in fear that I would say the wrong thing, and everyone would turn on me. I just wanted to be liked…
But then one day it hit me. Somewhere between wanting people to like me and being something I was not, I met some people who made me change my view. I was not afraid to open up to them, nor constantly worrying about the right thing to say. I realized who I was, and what I wanted to be. I was finally able to be myself. They accepted me for who I was, not who I was trying to be. They became my best friends throughout high school, and introduced me to new people who I felt comfortable around. I didn’t feel as though I needed to impress them. I could relax and have fun for the first time. I learned what it was like to be popular among my friends.
Those friends taught me that it is not a bad thing to stand out in the crowd. They taught me that it is alright to dance when no one else is dancing, or to sing when everyone knows you can’t. They taught me that you should wear the clothes you like, not the ones you think other people will like. Forget about the people who don’t like you, and stay with the ones that do. I’ve learned that it is not worth it to put on an act. You will feel more comfortable with yourself, and you will find true friends if you just be your own person. This I believe.
Hi Sarah:
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming that this is your second draft, right?
I like the fluency and technical control in your writing: you seem very comfortable as a writer.
But now you must bring your reader into sharper consideration: as I note below, you will need to provide evidence of the shift in your belief, between wanting to fit in and wanting to be "yourself." Do you see how quickly you gloss over this key experience/evidence? Patience, okay?
Okay. This is a key moment in your paper. Now you must narrate the story, with relevant, evocative detail about what happened, where, and so forth:But then one day it hit me.
why the shift to "you"? Forget about the people who don’t like you,
Thank you for your feedback. You are saying that the technical control and fluency is good, but I have to take my audience into consideration when talking about how my belief was changed. Since they do not know my story, when I “gloss over” that point, they are lost. I should tell the story as to how my belief changed from wanting to fit in to being my own person. I agree with you, I did speed through that point and it leaves the reader lost. I will incorporate the story into the paper. I could use what I have learned about providing detail in my future writing. I need to add enough detail so that the reader fully understands the story or experience.
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